Keeping the Spark Alive Using Sex Toys

Keeping the Spark Alive Using Sex Toys

by Jacee Niblett - March 20, 2025

One of the most common issues faced by couples in my sex coaching practice is a loss of novelty in the relationship. Over time, relationships can get boring. We get used to each other, there’s less new things to find out about each other, and the sexual connection can feel like it’s diminishing without the fuel of that new connection.

These couples often express a deep love for each other - it’s not like they are growing apart necessarily. They’re just so comfortable with each other, that the sexual energy is chill and calm, not heightened and exciting. This isn’t a bad thing! It’s just that the sexual relationship now takes effort, rather than coming “naturally”.

That effort can take the form of many things, and sex toys can aid in the process. So this week, let’s take a look at how using sex toys can help bring that spark back into your long term relationship.

whole view of the vedo bam rechargeable mini bullet vibrator savvi-p1401 into you indigo

Just Trying Something New

One of the culprits of this decrease in sexual energy is falling into a rut. It’s easy to fall into habit and routine when you’ve been sexual with the same person for many years. Couple that with all of the preconceived scripts we are culturally inundated with (like sex is over when the penis ejaculates, or foreplay is only the precursor to penetration), and we can quickly feel limited and lost within our long term sexual relationships.

If you’ve never used toys during partnered sex, adding something in can be the first thing that breaks up that routine. Just trying something new often switches up the energy enough, and provides inspiration for exploring your bodies in a new way. Using even a small little vibe like the Vedo Bam adds a new form of pleasure and stimulation to explore.

VeDO Bam Rechargeable Mini Bullet Vibrator

Exploring Bodies and Pleasure

A widely applicable tool for sexual concerns, including bringing the spark back into a relationship, is the mental switch from goal oriented to pleasure oriented. Focusing on a goal during sex (usually orgasm) can paradoxically remove the exact spark you are looking to create. Instead, focusing on pleasurable sensations throughout the experience brings you into the present moment and into that space of erotic connection.

It’s a practice that takes time to get right, but incorporating something like this finger vibe by Calexotics can help you practice focusing on pleasure. It’s a subtle add to manual sex, but because it packs a punch you can better focus on what feels good.

CalExotics Cashmere Dual Finger Massager

Switching Up The Dynamic

Finally, adding any sex toys can help you switch up your typical dynamic. A decrease in sexual energy over the long term is often connected to the energetic dynamic. You have to cultivate that energy, play with it, and nurture it. Sex toys can open the door to power play, giving one person more control, like with this hog tie kit from CalExotics. Or it can aid in mutual masturbation which might be a really exciting way to explore your dynamic. Most importantly, when you add sex toys into the mix, you might be more likely to communicate deeper. It might lead to asking more questions about what feels good, what excites you, and what doesn’t.

Cultivating your dynamic and building something that works for you is sure to lead to more pleasure and connection.

CalExotics Boundless™ Hog Tie

The decline in sexual energy due to less novelty over time is very normal in a relationship. As Esther Perel says, “eroticism lives in the space between you and I” and as relationships progress and get more serious, there is far less space between you. Working with a Clinical Sexologist can be a huge help in reigniting that light, and sex toys can aid in your journey. Whether it’s breaking that routine, moving away from a goal oriented perspective, or creating a new dynamic - it’s all about creating that space and connecting authentically.

So if you’re in this space within your relationship, know you aren’t alone and know you can have fulfilling and satisfying experiences in your sexual life.